"Luv Yer"

Every so often, someone makes a revealing comment. True feelings, fears, insecurities and prejudices are finally exposed. Some admissions are sad, some bold, pathetic, embarassing or touching. We cringe or we laugh when we hear them, we act sensitively, but somebody has to be the guy who points out another's distorted thinking patterns, and slips of the tongue are the best opportunities if you care for somebody. Lately many girls that I know have revealed, sometimes unconsciously, a lack of self-esteem to me. They're still not truly convinced that they're sexy, smart, or whatever it is that they need to feel. They demand, and are grateful for, too little.

Case 1: I see a girl in an on-off 3-year relationship who now types "luv yer" on MSN to her bf, in response to something considerate he'd done for her. This can be just an innocent abbreviation for a genuine feeling, but I knew that it wasn't for her...she had once typed "I love you" in similar circumstances to somebody else that she really loved, and to him long ago. She had considered typing "love you" and thought better of it. She says she DOESN'T love him, their relationship is neither here nor there. Never terrible, never good. She just says things like "luvv ya" cause she thinks he wants to hear it. She was amazed that I picked up on this, I'm surprised that she was amazed. As if I don't know her inside out by now. Wow, that has sexual connotations. But we've never even kissed. She says she can't break up with this guy, "because he doesn't deserve it". Breaking up unfair because of an ABSENCE OF MISTAKES on his part? THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE. The potential for guilty feelings is NOT good enough reason to stay in a relationship. You don't have to wait for mistakes as an excuse to end it! My not making mistakes does not entitle me to another person, nothing does in fact.

Other ones I've heard from different people:
"Nobody else could ever love me as much as he does". Rubbish. We're so young anyway.
"I want to try to not fuck things up again" - wrongly believing that, by staying committed to one guy, past mistakes such as pickiness or infidelity can be corrected. For some, to prove themselves capable of more commitment.
"Nobody out there is as good as him". Bullshit. Others exist. This actually reflects her view that better catches out there are not within her reach.
"I don't deserve someone like him". Very startling. There's a terribly depressed view of the self here. Everyone makes mistakes, but it is distortion if you believe your past mistakes are permanent features of your personality. Or assume that the mistakes you've made deserve punishment from somebody that loves you.

Probably the most common, and the most forgiveable, is "I need someone now". That's totally fine, if neither person believes it's a serious relationship. Another common statement: "I realised what a nice guy he is". You didn't when you got together? Obviously, we speak in short-hand, this means more, but still!

It is nice that people consider the hurting of other people's feelings.
I'm not suggesting that every relationship that you go in to needs to be deadly serious. Greater feelings sometimes develop more slowly, anyway. Just be clear of what it was that you were looking for when it started. If you aren't, the relationship could eventually assume a pretentious or dishonest status.
I'm also not advocating always searching for more, and never stopping to be satisfied with what you have at the moment. Or even considering that one person might have enough to offer you for the rest of your life.
Just think, at least occasionally, with a larger perspective about the significance of the relationship and what the purpose of it was and now is for you and for the other. If there are things missing which aren't going to appear, don't play down the importance of them.
Guys do this all the time too. Stop letting these thoughts swirl around in your head, and don't get trapped in a vicious cycle of neediness and reinforcement between two people who no longer share much in common other than a neurosis.